Thursday, November 12, 2009

From Mother to Daughter

Today has been an absolutely wonderful day. Even though my family didn't do anything collective to celebrate my Mom's move I felt very close to her. Meg's concert went well despite the hurdles they had to jump over to get it done. Dad had to work today but he came home at a decent hour so that helped.

I had some chores and whatnot to get done today being my day off, but I also just wanted some time to just spend in reflection of my Mom and bonding closer to the Lord. When I woke up I read 2 Corinthians 4-5 and was completely blessed by His Word. Earlier the dogs had barked their normal welcome to the mailman and I figured I could grab it after my devotion. Just meditating on God's word through Paul was a blessing, but I had no idea what would come in the mail for me.

My Mom has very few family members that we know of still living. There are some in LA, the east coast, and Oakland, and my Mom's brother moved to Hawaii so it's hard for us to really see each other as much as Meg and I would like. One aunt in particular who lives out in Pennsylvania is one that we try to keep in contact through mail. She's been very generous to my sister and me throughout the years out of the kindness of her heart. She still remembers us along with her other family that she has in Penn. The last letter that I got from her was late last year and in my sad, selfish heart I expected to see a check in there. There wasn't one. I was kinda let down but it wasn't going to stop me from still being thankful to my aunt for reaching out to me. Months later I called her just thanking her for remembering me and telling her that I loved her so much even without receiving any money. We talked for a little while and I hadn't heard from her since then. In the mail today both Meg and I got letters from her. After my devo I sat there with the letter in my hand just grateful for the fact that she spent time in sending me her greeting. To my surprise there was a check in there. I had to keep myself from crying out of joy and gratitude.

Lately I've been struggling with work, mainly the fact that I haven't been getting much if any. Whatever check I get from work I have to immediately take a big chunk out for taxes so I usually don't end up with much at the end of the month after I've paid rent and bills. I was very frustrated with the fear that I'd be wallowing in debt forever. I still had faith that the Lord will provide for me with His means, but I didn't think it would be so soon. I'll still have some debt but because of my aunt's wonderfully sweet generosity I'll have made a huge step in getting my financial stability back.

What truly struck me as miraculous about this situation was the fact that all this happened today. Four years ago today my Mom went to be with the Lord face to face. I lost the strongest female image in my life just before my 19th birthday. It was definitely the hardest crisis I've ever gone through. But I know God had a plan and purpose for taking her Home so soon. Today, though, I truly felt that she had blessed me through my aunt. She and my aunt were close. I felt like today was a gift from mother to daughter. I won't forget this day for a long, long time. Thank You, Jesus, for Your heart sending me Your joy.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


My hands are tired today. It's a good thing for my work but in the long run I have to start taking precautions with my health and strength if I want to keep this going for many more years. This includes me getting some sort of healthcare plan going. I'm not sure where or who I should go to but after my last experience with Kaiser I'm not too stoked about being covered by them again. Don't get me wrong with being forever fearful of going to the doctors, but only by the grace of God and the prayers and support of family and friends am I emotionally stable with what I went through at the doctor's office. I've never been too trusting with doctors since my Mom's passing. I find it amusing that for the most part doctors prescribe medicine to cover up the symptoms instead of finding out proper treatments to solve the problem. There are very intelligent and caring doctors out there, but there's also a bunch that probably should have chosen another profession.

I wish I had something truly insightful and deep to say. I think I had something a moment ago but I didn't write it down fast enough and now it's gone. Sometimes makes me wonder about the great Christian writers of old, theologians and worship artists and what they didn't actually get a chance to write down. There are some things I feel that God wants for us and us alone to understand. What's the point of intimacy if you're going to share it all? It's true that the truths that God shares with us are meant to be shared and can apply to anyone in whatever situation they're going through. But I think that there are some things that God wants us to keep to ourselves, some things that He just wanted to share with us on a personal level. It's like how a couple can have great times hanging out with others, but there are certain moments that only they can share.

I dunno...I know I still have a lot to learn about the Lord and what He wants to do in my life. My story's not over yet.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

So much to tell and so little enthusiasm.

I've been pushed to the brink of clear desperation in the past few weeks. First it was the debilitating and mysterious pain that took me out of work for pretty much a week. Then it was the fact that I fell into I guess a mild despair when I got paid and realized that it was the smallest check I ever received; I started to get really concerned about how I could ever manage to get myself out of debt, pay for my bills, and even consider a possible health care plan. Then what pushed me to the edge was my horrific experience when I finally went to see a doctor about what was going on to make me so sick. Even though I know it was a professional environment, I still couldn't help but feel violated in the worst way possible. I'm not crying now but I was crying so much on Saturday. It really was hell. The hardest part was that although I knew God was with me giving me comfort I still couldn't shake the trauma. I couldn't shake the pain, psychological and emotional.

I know I haven't been as close to the Lord as I should be or need to be. I have to get back on track with that. I miss Him.

I hate when I'm at a loss for words. Usually writing is something that comes pretty easily to me. Not right now I guess.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Silver lining

I know God puts us through the ringers for a reason, but He never said we had to do it alone which is why I'm so so so incredibly grateful for my amazing friends, most especially my girls. You ladies have been a source of encouragement, guidance, support, and joy to me. No matter how much the troubles of this world can get me down, all I have to do is call or text you and there you are. I couldn't be more thankful for God blessing me with your friendship, loyalty, and care. I wish my vocabulary was more diverse so I could fully describe the amazing attributes you ladies have that always minister to me in so many ways, but unfortunately I didn't major in English and my memory of Mr. Z's readarounds has kinda faded out a little bit. ;)

As I think about the fires that happen in California yearly it makes me think about why God allows such devastation to occur so frequently, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I guess the tree-huggers out there could say, "Those trees are innocent!" or whatever but I honestly don't believe that plants or vegetation of any kind have souls so there isn't guilt when a tree is cut down or anything like that. In my opinion, all of creation is under the will of the Lord. He gives and takes away life as He sees fit. Some might say it's not fair but who are we to judge God? Who are we to say, "I know what's best and what's fair"? The more I seek the Lord on these things the more I find that I really don't know diddlysquat.

Everything that's happened in my life, good and bad, hard and easy, has been for a reason. That ultimate reason is to bring me closer to my God, physically and spiritually. For the first time in my adult life I felt inner turmoil commence inside of my body. Literally, I felt like half of my body had inexplicable peace while the other was up in a tizzy fighting and complaining like the children of Israel did wandering in the wilderness. I think a lot of us don't really know what it's like to experience spiritual warfare firsthand. Let me tell you it was not pleasant. And it's still a struggle at times.

I can't blame God for my faults or for the fact that I still may have battles going on inside my heart and body. We as Christians can get so caught up in everything else around us, jobs, kids, friends, hobbies, and ministry work even that we forget that there's a constant battle going on for our souls at this very moment. There's a reason why God never sleeps (not that He needs it, to be sure).

I guess what I'm trying to get at here, even though I think I might have run on a bit of a tangent is that even though there may be a huge dark cloud forming around us we who have that eternal assurance can be confident that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28). I can take joy that even though there may still be a dark cloud over my head that my silver lining is this: Jesus Christ, the King of kings and Lord of lords, loves me; totally and completely loves me. He never ceases to make intercession for me even on days where I hardly ever give Him a second thought. By the sinews in His wrists, as the weight of His body was straining every muscle and ligament, as each of His organs began to fail, He took my grief, my pain, my heartache and all the horrible things I've ever thought of, wished upon, and ultimately done in my life on Himself. And He did it with love.

And I complain about how unfair life can be. I have NOTHING to complain about. Forgive my foolishness, Lord. I trade in a silly and tarnished silver lining for everlasting joy and grace.

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Colossians 3:1

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I need a good, long, hard cry.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

No Strings Attached

Haha, oh my dumb N*SYNC they'll always haunt me.

I will say that since Friday I'm feeling more like myself again. There are moments where I feel a wave of nauseous anxiety hit me, but things have gotten much easier to handle. My only problem left is now I feel guilty in some way for possibly causing someone to be hurt. From having so many people advise me in what I should have said or done, it's really funny to me because in the end the only guidance I really need is the Lord's. Then again, He definitely has used plenty of people to minister to me in ways of which I'm really grateful for.

The important outcome of this whole situation was that I needed to get some things off my chest that have been really torturing me subconsciously for several months and I needed some clear answers. Both of those have been accomplished, though it was no easy task and it definitely came with a painful price.

I hate confrontation. I hate going into a situation that I know is going to be painful, but unfortunately this needed to happen, otherwise I might never have gotten my appetite back or been able to keep food down without feeling entirely sick. It's funny, though, I kinda said that my spiritual warfare was now over. I not entirely sure of that. I know Satan has many tricks up his sleeve and that my battle won't be over until the day I step into eternity. But, I honestly believe that a big part of this internal battle of mine has definitely been conquered, and not by any act of my own strength but all because of God's grace to get me through it.

So, for now, the hump of this leg's been traversed and I'm glad to have gotten over it. But I definitely got some battle wounds to go along with it. Life's definitely not without it's hard parts. I know the Lord has something better planned for me in His timing and by His standards. I just have to be patient and not let the worries or the sorrows of the past get me down. I have to live my life with no strings of sin attached, not because I'm a great person but because Jesus Christ atoned them for me at the cross.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Great sacrifice...

I think I'm in pre-mourning.

My body is still not dealing with this warfare very well. For the last 2 days I've had nothing but extreme nausea inflict my whole body. It's not illness, of that I'm absolutely sure.

It's my heart breaking, fearing that I'm gonna lose someone I really care about. Sometimes my heart's pounding so fast and so strong that it might just jump out of my chest.

God, I hate this, but I guess I have to go through this for a reason, whatever it may be.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to stand this physical trial, but I guess I'll have to wait til next Friday to see what's gonna happen next.

Lord, help me endure this. Give me the strength I'm gonna desperately need.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

If my life is but a shadow, why waste it in the dark?

It's really hard for me to give up what I think is right or edifying when in God's eyes it may be the absolute wrong thing for me.

For several years of my life, I proclaimed I was a Christian even though my actions behind closed doors said otherwise. I hate that I wasted so many precious young years on things that only leeched my joy and my contentment.

But last night the Lord revealed to me an age-old truth: my sins, past, present, and future, are obliterated, taken by Jesus to give me the chance of eternal life. Why wallow in darkness of pity and sorrow when I should be rejoicing in the Light of my King?

Yes, there are times to be sad, and yes, God allows us to remember our sins so that we remember how to not be and how unsatisfied we were before He came into our hearts. Sometimes I wish that God could just erase my memory of the horrible moments of the past, but then why would I long for heaven and eternity with my Savior so much more?

I will not waste my shadow of a life in the dark. I may have been born into sin as we all were, but I will live in the Light of the Lord, from now until my last breath on this earth.

It's funny how whenever I have these moments of victory that Satan will always come in and try to shatter my triumph in Christ. Everyday is a battle that we must be prepared to fight, but the fighting is so much easier when we know that we have the King of kings on our side and He is mighty to save. The glory in battle is ours, not because we fought it, but because Jesus already won it and He's sharing His victory with us.

האלוהים שלנו איתנו. הרחמים שלו יסבלו לדורות.

Our God is with us. His mercy shall endure forever.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Heart to heart

I don't ever want people to think I'm trying to be someone I'm not. I don't automatically try to transform myself for every person I meet, even though ironically my job requires me to conform to each of my clients needs. I'm not this froo froo girl who worries about if my nail breaks how it'll mess up my entire outfit, but then again I get frustrated if right after painting my nails I smudge one.

I'm not ashamed of being a girl. It's definitely not easy in the fact that we have to physically bear so many ups and downs with hormonal changes and the brunt of childbirth, but socially-wise and Biblically-wise we don't have as many responsibilities. Well, maybe I take that back; we do have responsibilities, but they might not seem as detrimentally difficult as it would be to be the spiritual leader in a household like men are called to be.

I guess my point I'm trying to make is that I'm slowly finding contentment in my Savior with my current position in life. Something I find interesting is that so many men are caught up in the moment of the present while we women tend to think far into the future, or at least we're always thinking ahead. It's frustrating to me, but then again we do live under a curse, a curse of sin that won't be ammended until Christ comes again to obliterate the enemies of God.

I'm not giving up on hope, not by the slightest bit. I know that the Lord has my future husband just waiting for me. My heart longs to love him and be loved in return, but it's just not right now. He will reveal in His timing what His will is for me and whoever should be brought into my path. In the meantime I'm going to be obedient and steadfast on Him and not let my heart be carried away by foolish fantasies. He will protect my heart as long as I keep myself close to Him.

So here I stand, 22 years living, trying hard to bring myself out of the murky depths of debt, a dutiful follower and fan of hardcore Christian music, a not-so-super-healthy healthcare professional, servant of God. I'm not a super gorgeous, extremely popular, stick-skinny, ditsy bubble gum pink perky girl. I'll never be like that and I know that whoever the Lord chooses for me will understand and love me just the way I am, faults and all.

I haven't had a perfect past, distant or recent, but I hope and pray that my future is one that is firmly founded on Christ my King. He sees me as His perfect Bride. Oh, come quickly, my Beloved!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Father to Daughter

Daddy, I need You.

I hate to see my friends, my family, people who I love dearly in pain. I feel so helpless to them at times. I wish I could take their burdens. I wish I could take their pain, their confusion, their hurt. I'd rather be the one suffering. I can't stand to see it. I just wish I could do more.

Sometimes I feel so unworthy to be loved by these beautiful people that You put into my life. Who am I? I battle within myself each day. My flesh, my thorn in my side. It tears me apart little by little and slowly. It barely heals before the wound is torn open again. Some days I feel like the Spirit has triumphed over my flesh and I feel victorious...until I think something cruel or say something harsh about someone I don't even know. Curse this flesh that I crawl in, this shell of mine that longs for the treacheries of this world.

I long to be with You, Daddy. I feel so inadequate.

Father, I don't want to let my heart go too far away. Don't let me become a stumbling block, a false prophetess who only desires to cause destruction.

I want to be beautiful, Daddy. I want to be all that You've dreamed I would be.

You see me as Your precious Daughter. I've been adopted by Your Love. May that Love never fade from my heart. Renew my spirit.

You're not only my Father, but You're my King, my Savior, my First Love. Hallelujah, blessed be my Redeemer Who reigns forever.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


I don't understand how people can think that the God of the Old Testament is different from the God of the New Testament. I read a chapter in 2 Chronicles last night and it was surprisingly comforting, despite the fact that a chapter before talked about how the king of Judah, Asa, had rejected the counsel of the Lord over the counsel of men and so was afflicted with a disease in his feet that later caused his death. The king after him, Jehoshaphat, learned from the previous king's mistake and followed after the Lord, "and walked in the former ways of his father David" so he was blessed in his reign. How many times have we done that, or namely have I done that? How many times have I sought after the counsel of men rather than coming to the Father first? It's ironic because we can get so many different opinions about how to act, where to go, what we should be doing with our lives, but in the end, will we be standing in front of those people giving an account to them of what we did with our lives?

It's funny, my purity ring says "Pray Hard" on it, and I know I haven't been doing that lately. I'll say little prayers here and there for myself and for friends/family, but I honestly have not taken a considerable amount of time to just talk to my God and to hear Him speak to me. I know some people are in a somewhat spiritual "lull" as it may be, but I have a feeling that world events in the near future might shake us up quite a bit.

Lord, I want to grow in You, but that means some sort of change is necessary, and change is usually painful. Reading the testimonies of the martyrs of the past makes me wonder if I were put in their situation if I would have as much courage and strength in my faith to willingly ask for the flames to engulf me as John Hooper did in 1555. They had to ignite the fire around him three times before the flames got big enough to actually surround his entire body. After the first two fires his lower body was melting away as his upper body remained unscathed. As the third and final fire rose up around him, he began to pray out loud, "Jesus, have mercy on me," over and over again until his tongue and mouth became blackened from the smoke and his lips swelled up. He wanted nothing more than to finally be with his Savior, and he took years of physical, emotional, and spiritual persecution for his faith until that final day when he went to be with the Lord.

And it makes me think, "Wow, Lord, I am so unworthy to even be called a Christian. My conviction was no where near in comparison to that poor soul." I'm not saying I'm condemning myself, but conviction does so come from the Holy Spirit. He chastens those He loves and I know that He loves me enough to give me the harsh truth about myself and to push me in the right direction.

I know God has a distinct plan for each and everyone of us and He has set certain people and certain situations in our paths to help us grow, but also to test us. Testing isn't a bad thing as long as you're prepared for it and I know a big test is coming (at least for me, anyway) so I gotta study up and be prepared. Pray for me if and when you think of it. I need the Lord to guide me and I need to be steadfast in following Him alone.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Verbum caro factum est

The sound of the human voice captivates me so much. I just absolutely and emphatically love listening to chorals, anything done a cappella. I wish so much so many times that I could understand the languages that the Gregorian chants are sung in and so many of the ancient hymns sung in the massive cathedrals. It really touches a deep part of my heart that just longs to hear the praises of the Lord. Although I could fall asleep to what most people would call unintelligible hardcore chaos, I still adore purely vocal pieces.

I was never a great singer, although I did do some singing back in elementary school mainly in theater productions back at Calvary Chapel Anaheim. I've always wanted my voice to be better, stronger, and more like the beautiful arrangements I heard on classical radio stations as professional choirs sang angelic hymns. I really did want to pursue singing in a choir as a kid, but it never panned out and I eventually was brought into more physical activities. Don't get me wrong, I will never forget nor take for granted the amazing people and the skills I learned in both martial arts and swimming, but singing is something that you can practice for your whole life and do anytime, anywhere.

At this rate, unless I had a voice box replacement, I'll never have the voice of absolute angels, but it's my voice, one that God purposefully gave me. Sometimes when I'm in the midst of absolute worship I can't even recognize it. It somehow gets more powerful in a way, but then again I could just be hearing it differently.

Ah well, God doesn't care if I hit all the right notes or if I forget the words. The song of my heart is far more beautiful to Him than anything that could ever come from my mouth. I just hope that I don't lose that intention of praise and just mindlessly sing a song about my risen Savior. Lord, convict my heart to never lose sight of Whom I give my praise to.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I've always had this tough exterior. It comes from being raised in martial arts and wrestling around with my dad. It also comes from a source of low self esteem. I don't think highly of myself ever. There are precious few moments I've had where I actually feel good about myself, my appearance, what I'm doing with my life, and my walk with the Lord.

Watching the show Intervention tends to catch my drift as I click through the channels. We're all addicted to something. I used to be addicted to pornography back in jr. high. My release from those bonds are solely due to God's grace and compassion to save me from my sin.

I'm an ex-addict to sin. I try my hardest daily to not fall or stumble into things that will eventually lead me down a path I wasn't supposed to wander, but I'm in no way, shape, or form faultless. I have made mistakes for a reason in order to learn and grow from them for the better. Those mistakes from my past have cost me much, but the cost of salvation was far more than I could ever afford. Praise the Lord that Jesus Christ gave me the gift and hope of salvation for my wretched self for free. There's no work that could be done on earth that could balance out the wrongs I have done. No, I've never killed anyone and I never abused drugs or alcohol and I never gave my body up to sex, but I have killed persons in my heart, I've longed for the psychological escape that drugs and alcohol provide, and I have lusted after men. I'm guilty.

Satan loves to remind me of my failures, and my flesh loves to indulge those painful memories. Every part of this temporary vessel of mine wants me to dwell on the hurt, the pain, and the guilt my life has collected these past 22 years. As ugly of a person I once was, I'm not that anymore.

I'm beautiful because Christ in me is beautiful. He made the wretched, deformed, perverse heart of mine into one that's completely different and opposite of those adjectives. It's only by Him that I am worthy.

My heart longs to be loved as much as I love. No one can ever take the place of Jesus Christ in my life, but I long to be with the one whom God has set aside for me. I'm tired of the riff raff, tired of feeling so insignificant, tired of comparing myself to every girl I see.

My life is not my own. It belongs to the Lord. Give me Your eyes so that I can see past the outer shell. Give me Your heart, O Lord, so that I can love with Your infinite love. I know I'm limited by this temporary form I'm in, but use me as You see fit.

I'm tired of being "tough." I just want to be me, the "me" You meant me to be.

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."
Romans 8:15

Sunday, May 17, 2009


I'm getting frustrated with my Mom's old guitar. It could be a combination of my inexperience with the chords and the oldness of the guitar, but it just never seems to sound in tune. I'm really considering getting a new guitar sometime this week. One thing that gets annoying about my Mom's guitar is that the neck is so wide that my fingers can barely reach the strings. I've been wanting to learn guitar for years and now I finally have the time and the desire to fulfill that wish!

God has been so incredibly faithful lately; even though I haven't had too many clients each week, He's been providing for me in other ways. He's been sustaining me spiritually and emotionally in more ways than I ever expected and I feel so bad because I haven't been reading my Word as much as I should be. I'm going to dive into it more today, though, because I finally got my Sword back!!! :D

Word up, foo.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


belonging to or characteristic of a sovereign or sovereignty; royal.
having supreme rank, power, or authority.
supreme; preeminent; indisputable: a sovereign right.
greatest in degree; utmost or extreme.
being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc.
- efficacious; potent

We describe our God as being Sovereign in that He has sovereignty over us and this world. I think so many of us take the limitations of the English language for granted. We say, "Oh, yes, God is sovereign," but we tend to pretty much say it without really understanding the meaning of it. We can say a lot of things without really understanding the depth of it, for example those magical "three little words" that we usually just throw out there in order to get a reaction from the person we're saying it to. I think we often forget what the meaning of unconditional love really means and how it's communicated. Unconditional love doesn't expect anything in return, it never fades, it withstands the trials of time and suffering, and it's the most powerful thing on this planet. Our God loves us with that kind of love. No other entity can really live up to this standard (although we can try our best).

Unconditional love knows no fear because God knows no fear. He's to be feared! Unconditional love comes with the perks of respect, honor, kindness, forgiveness, purity, and joy, but it also comes with pain when it isn't returned. Can you imagine the fact that so many people on this planet are causing our Lord and Savior the deepest kind of pain and rejection right now?
Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." I can't imagine what was going through Jesus' mind as He hung there on the cross. To know the fact that He's dying, DYING, PEOPLE, for His Beloved, and yet knowing that He's going to be rejected. The heartache, the unfathomable heartache that He must have felt. Heh, I wonder if He felt any release when the spear pierced His side.

Experiencing heartache by the world's standards is hard enough, but to go through the ultimate form of rejection...and yet STILL HE LOVES US WITH ALL OF HIS BEING. I can't get my mind around it. I probably never will until I see Him face to face.

Jesus, forgive my selfish heart. We say we want to be more like Jesus, yet we forget sometimes what that really requires of us.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

tears : sweat

We have a High Priest who we can empathize with, more than we can ever realize. Though I doubt Jesus was ever tempted to check His facebook status several times a day, I know He was tempted in other ways, ways that I've never experienced (and hopefully never will).

My pitiful sufferings compared to His gargantuan torment. My bitter tears compared to His bloody sweat. Who am I to whine and complain? I need to trust my God more. How can my faith be so weak? My trials are nothing compared to those of Job, or of the Apostles.

Lord, please forgive my weakness. I'm nothing without Your strength.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

His faithfulness endures

Oh what a wretch I am! I'm not worthy to even wash my Savior's feet, and yet He calls me His own and has given me the right of inheritance.

I'm so grateful for my God's grace. I don't deserve all the blessings He gives me; none of us do for that matter. But He saw fit to individually handpick each of us to give us this amazing gift. It boggles me.

I'm a person who struggled with addiction for several years. Night after night I went and performed my wickedness in secret, thinking to myself, "I'm not that bad. I'm not even really doing anything." I couldn't have been more wrong. I was continually breaking the Lord's heart as I went after another idol, giving my adoration and attention to myself and this evil that had me in its clutches. I wasted so much of my youth in that. I pray that if I should have kids that they don't make the same mistakes I did. Thank God that He opened my eyes to see my wickedness, to see the fact that I was holding so tightly onto that stick of dynamite that was about to blow up. Thank the Lord that He showed me that I had to completely let go of what was keeping me from growing further. I would be wallowing in misery if He hadn't done that for me.

Yes, I still go through trials and temptations. Breaking news: we all do. The key is to continually give up the control, trusting not in your own strength to win the fight but to allow the Lord to swiftly move in and conquer. The Holy Spirit dwells in us for a reason. When we have nothing left, no strength, no willpower, and we just wanna give up the fight and give in to what may pleasure us for a little while, remember what it was like before you had Christ.

Last Saturday at Worship Generation we went over John 8 in which Jesus makes the famous statement of Him being the Light of the World (8:12). At the time I really didn't feel like the message was directed towards me and I didn't feel inspired by it. But I knew that the Word of the Lord would impact me soon (I'm not the only one who thinks this, right?).

My life when I was a "Christian" and yet practicing my sin was held in darkness. I want my life to be led in the Light from now on. Just because I'm in the Light doesn't mean I won't struggle or have low points, but it does mean that I'm following after the Lord.
There's a verse in a Third Day song that says, "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God". To those who are at a low point in their lives or are struggling with insecurities, or maybe are even at a crossroads and you don't know exactly where you need to go, know that no matter what stay in the Light and your path will be blessed. It may be hard, confusing, and frustrating, but as long as you are dutifully giving up your will for God's, seeking Him in every situation, and letting the Lord be your strength, there's no way you can fail.

If you are in Christ, then BE in Christ. Stop messing around, dipping your feet into different waters when God tells you to stay inside the boat. You're only hurting yourself more and more if you keep acting in ways that you KNOW are wrong. Trust me, the pain of conviction is not worth it.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I've been getting this piercing pain in my chest off and on for the past few days. I think it's residual straining from when I pulled my pectorals massaging one of my clients late last month. I don't feel it on my right side, just my left. It feels like a knife is stabbing my heart over and over again. Heh, how ironic.

Ugh, I have to get out of this sludge I'm in. I know I'm just a flashing target for Satan's attacks and so far he's been hitting the bulls eye every time. Lord, please protect me from these attacks and help me to find my joy again.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

We have all heard what we've wanted to hear: truth that sounds right to our ears

It's really hard for me to differentiate when God's speaking to me and when it's my flesh talking. Last night I was having a conversation with the Lord and I asked if He was the one who was speaking to my heart and I heard, or at least thought I heard, a "No." Ugh.

Lately I've really been trying to spend more and more time digging into the Word. Each time God has totally blessed and encouraged me in the ways that I've needed to be, but I still don't know exactly what the future has in store in my life. I'm in the career field that I've wanted to be in since high school. I've gotten a degree, not the most prestigious degree, but I can say I have my diploma. I have an amazing family, great friends, a wonderful work place, a roof over my head, and yet I still complain. I really have nothing to complain about. Although I've had some devastating lows in my life, it's still far easier than some other people.

One of my last clients yesterday was this sweet girl named Carol. She's a few months younger than I am and is probably the nicest girl you could ever meet. Before I started working on her my boss told me that she had had a lot of medical issues. I kinda brushed it aside until he said that she was a Leukemia survivor. At 21, this girl has already been through cancer. As I was working on her I noticed that her left hand was slightly deformed and she might have had some burn scars on her underarm. She was so incredible meek and sweet and yet she's been through these tremendously hard situations. I think she's a Christian, but I'm not positive because I didn't get to talk to her too much.

Last night the Lord showed me a passage in Job. Ha, Job, the ultimate book of humbling. Before I got into it I kept asking God why He's allowing several things to come to pass. The chapter I read was all about God's sovereign power and authority. I pretty much got the message. Ok, God, You're in control. Who am I to question Your decisions? I have no standing whatsoever.

Even still, I can't deny my feelings. God has emotions and He knows my deeper feelings.
With all this my heart still feels like it's weighing me down. Sometimes I wish I could just tear it out, put it on a platter for a while, then when the time's right put it back in. Wouldn't that be nice?


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

New Beginning

I have several blogs, one of which is several years old, but I feel it's time for me to finally have something that is truly private and something that only a precious few can peek into.

The crazy language at the top of my page is "In God's Hands" in Greek. I couldn't really think of anything else to name it, but then I realized that my entire life is held in my God's hands, His nail-pierced, worn down, calloused, strong, perfect, and caring hands. The Lord gave me the gift and the inspiration to become a Massage Therapist so I use my hands to help bring healing and relaxation to others. And so I give my gift back to the Lord and acknowledge the fact that His hands were the ones that shaped and molded me. He formed me from the womb with His gentle touch.

Now I begin my story here anew. With these hands I tell my story, my frustrations, my joys. I hope and pray that my life will reflect the work of my Savior, but I am in no way shape or form perfect. And though I may try diligently to be the best Christian that I can be and to draw closer and closer to the Lord, I will never reach that perfect communion until I step into eternity. Until then I will do my best, accept my imperfections, and give each day to the Lord.

Here we go....