Tuesday, March 31, 2009

tears : sweat

We have a High Priest who we can empathize with, more than we can ever realize. Though I doubt Jesus was ever tempted to check His facebook status several times a day, I know He was tempted in other ways, ways that I've never experienced (and hopefully never will).

My pitiful sufferings compared to His gargantuan torment. My bitter tears compared to His bloody sweat. Who am I to whine and complain? I need to trust my God more. How can my faith be so weak? My trials are nothing compared to those of Job, or of the Apostles.

Lord, please forgive my weakness. I'm nothing without Your strength.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

His faithfulness endures

Oh what a wretch I am! I'm not worthy to even wash my Savior's feet, and yet He calls me His own and has given me the right of inheritance.

I'm so grateful for my God's grace. I don't deserve all the blessings He gives me; none of us do for that matter. But He saw fit to individually handpick each of us to give us this amazing gift. It boggles me.

I'm a person who struggled with addiction for several years. Night after night I went and performed my wickedness in secret, thinking to myself, "I'm not that bad. I'm not even really doing anything." I couldn't have been more wrong. I was continually breaking the Lord's heart as I went after another idol, giving my adoration and attention to myself and this evil that had me in its clutches. I wasted so much of my youth in that. I pray that if I should have kids that they don't make the same mistakes I did. Thank God that He opened my eyes to see my wickedness, to see the fact that I was holding so tightly onto that stick of dynamite that was about to blow up. Thank the Lord that He showed me that I had to completely let go of what was keeping me from growing further. I would be wallowing in misery if He hadn't done that for me.

Yes, I still go through trials and temptations. Breaking news: we all do. The key is to continually give up the control, trusting not in your own strength to win the fight but to allow the Lord to swiftly move in and conquer. The Holy Spirit dwells in us for a reason. When we have nothing left, no strength, no willpower, and we just wanna give up the fight and give in to what may pleasure us for a little while, remember what it was like before you had Christ.

Last Saturday at Worship Generation we went over John 8 in which Jesus makes the famous statement of Him being the Light of the World (8:12). At the time I really didn't feel like the message was directed towards me and I didn't feel inspired by it. But I knew that the Word of the Lord would impact me soon (I'm not the only one who thinks this, right?).

My life when I was a "Christian" and yet practicing my sin was held in darkness. I want my life to be led in the Light from now on. Just because I'm in the Light doesn't mean I won't struggle or have low points, but it does mean that I'm following after the Lord.
There's a verse in a Third Day song that says, "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God". To those who are at a low point in their lives or are struggling with insecurities, or maybe are even at a crossroads and you don't know exactly where you need to go, know that no matter what stay in the Light and your path will be blessed. It may be hard, confusing, and frustrating, but as long as you are dutifully giving up your will for God's, seeking Him in every situation, and letting the Lord be your strength, there's no way you can fail.

If you are in Christ, then BE in Christ. Stop messing around, dipping your feet into different waters when God tells you to stay inside the boat. You're only hurting yourself more and more if you keep acting in ways that you KNOW are wrong. Trust me, the pain of conviction is not worth it.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I've been getting this piercing pain in my chest off and on for the past few days. I think it's residual straining from when I pulled my pectorals massaging one of my clients late last month. I don't feel it on my right side, just my left. It feels like a knife is stabbing my heart over and over again. Heh, how ironic.

Ugh, I have to get out of this sludge I'm in. I know I'm just a flashing target for Satan's attacks and so far he's been hitting the bulls eye every time. Lord, please protect me from these attacks and help me to find my joy again.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

We have all heard what we've wanted to hear: truth that sounds right to our ears

It's really hard for me to differentiate when God's speaking to me and when it's my flesh talking. Last night I was having a conversation with the Lord and I asked if He was the one who was speaking to my heart and I heard, or at least thought I heard, a "No." Ugh.

Lately I've really been trying to spend more and more time digging into the Word. Each time God has totally blessed and encouraged me in the ways that I've needed to be, but I still don't know exactly what the future has in store in my life. I'm in the career field that I've wanted to be in since high school. I've gotten a degree, not the most prestigious degree, but I can say I have my diploma. I have an amazing family, great friends, a wonderful work place, a roof over my head, and yet I still complain. I really have nothing to complain about. Although I've had some devastating lows in my life, it's still far easier than some other people.

One of my last clients yesterday was this sweet girl named Carol. She's a few months younger than I am and is probably the nicest girl you could ever meet. Before I started working on her my boss told me that she had had a lot of medical issues. I kinda brushed it aside until he said that she was a Leukemia survivor. At 21, this girl has already been through cancer. As I was working on her I noticed that her left hand was slightly deformed and she might have had some burn scars on her underarm. She was so incredible meek and sweet and yet she's been through these tremendously hard situations. I think she's a Christian, but I'm not positive because I didn't get to talk to her too much.

Last night the Lord showed me a passage in Job. Ha, Job, the ultimate book of humbling. Before I got into it I kept asking God why He's allowing several things to come to pass. The chapter I read was all about God's sovereign power and authority. I pretty much got the message. Ok, God, You're in control. Who am I to question Your decisions? I have no standing whatsoever.

Even still, I can't deny my feelings. God has emotions and He knows my deeper feelings.
With all this my heart still feels like it's weighing me down. Sometimes I wish I could just tear it out, put it on a platter for a while, then when the time's right put it back in. Wouldn't that be nice?


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

New Beginning

I have several blogs, one of which is several years old, but I feel it's time for me to finally have something that is truly private and something that only a precious few can peek into.

The crazy language at the top of my page is "In God's Hands" in Greek. I couldn't really think of anything else to name it, but then I realized that my entire life is held in my God's hands, His nail-pierced, worn down, calloused, strong, perfect, and caring hands. The Lord gave me the gift and the inspiration to become a Massage Therapist so I use my hands to help bring healing and relaxation to others. And so I give my gift back to the Lord and acknowledge the fact that His hands were the ones that shaped and molded me. He formed me from the womb with His gentle touch.

Now I begin my story here anew. With these hands I tell my story, my frustrations, my joys. I hope and pray that my life will reflect the work of my Savior, but I am in no way shape or form perfect. And though I may try diligently to be the best Christian that I can be and to draw closer and closer to the Lord, I will never reach that perfect communion until I step into eternity. Until then I will do my best, accept my imperfections, and give each day to the Lord.

Here we go....