Thursday, November 12, 2009

From Mother to Daughter

Today has been an absolutely wonderful day. Even though my family didn't do anything collective to celebrate my Mom's move I felt very close to her. Meg's concert went well despite the hurdles they had to jump over to get it done. Dad had to work today but he came home at a decent hour so that helped.

I had some chores and whatnot to get done today being my day off, but I also just wanted some time to just spend in reflection of my Mom and bonding closer to the Lord. When I woke up I read 2 Corinthians 4-5 and was completely blessed by His Word. Earlier the dogs had barked their normal welcome to the mailman and I figured I could grab it after my devotion. Just meditating on God's word through Paul was a blessing, but I had no idea what would come in the mail for me.

My Mom has very few family members that we know of still living. There are some in LA, the east coast, and Oakland, and my Mom's brother moved to Hawaii so it's hard for us to really see each other as much as Meg and I would like. One aunt in particular who lives out in Pennsylvania is one that we try to keep in contact through mail. She's been very generous to my sister and me throughout the years out of the kindness of her heart. She still remembers us along with her other family that she has in Penn. The last letter that I got from her was late last year and in my sad, selfish heart I expected to see a check in there. There wasn't one. I was kinda let down but it wasn't going to stop me from still being thankful to my aunt for reaching out to me. Months later I called her just thanking her for remembering me and telling her that I loved her so much even without receiving any money. We talked for a little while and I hadn't heard from her since then. In the mail today both Meg and I got letters from her. After my devo I sat there with the letter in my hand just grateful for the fact that she spent time in sending me her greeting. To my surprise there was a check in there. I had to keep myself from crying out of joy and gratitude.

Lately I've been struggling with work, mainly the fact that I haven't been getting much if any. Whatever check I get from work I have to immediately take a big chunk out for taxes so I usually don't end up with much at the end of the month after I've paid rent and bills. I was very frustrated with the fear that I'd be wallowing in debt forever. I still had faith that the Lord will provide for me with His means, but I didn't think it would be so soon. I'll still have some debt but because of my aunt's wonderfully sweet generosity I'll have made a huge step in getting my financial stability back.

What truly struck me as miraculous about this situation was the fact that all this happened today. Four years ago today my Mom went to be with the Lord face to face. I lost the strongest female image in my life just before my 19th birthday. It was definitely the hardest crisis I've ever gone through. But I know God had a plan and purpose for taking her Home so soon. Today, though, I truly felt that she had blessed me through my aunt. She and my aunt were close. I felt like today was a gift from mother to daughter. I won't forget this day for a long, long time. Thank You, Jesus, for Your heart sending me Your joy.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


My hands are tired today. It's a good thing for my work but in the long run I have to start taking precautions with my health and strength if I want to keep this going for many more years. This includes me getting some sort of healthcare plan going. I'm not sure where or who I should go to but after my last experience with Kaiser I'm not too stoked about being covered by them again. Don't get me wrong with being forever fearful of going to the doctors, but only by the grace of God and the prayers and support of family and friends am I emotionally stable with what I went through at the doctor's office. I've never been too trusting with doctors since my Mom's passing. I find it amusing that for the most part doctors prescribe medicine to cover up the symptoms instead of finding out proper treatments to solve the problem. There are very intelligent and caring doctors out there, but there's also a bunch that probably should have chosen another profession.

I wish I had something truly insightful and deep to say. I think I had something a moment ago but I didn't write it down fast enough and now it's gone. Sometimes makes me wonder about the great Christian writers of old, theologians and worship artists and what they didn't actually get a chance to write down. There are some things I feel that God wants for us and us alone to understand. What's the point of intimacy if you're going to share it all? It's true that the truths that God shares with us are meant to be shared and can apply to anyone in whatever situation they're going through. But I think that there are some things that God wants us to keep to ourselves, some things that He just wanted to share with us on a personal level. It's like how a couple can have great times hanging out with others, but there are certain moments that only they can share.

I dunno...I know I still have a lot to learn about the Lord and what He wants to do in my life. My story's not over yet.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

So much to tell and so little enthusiasm.

I've been pushed to the brink of clear desperation in the past few weeks. First it was the debilitating and mysterious pain that took me out of work for pretty much a week. Then it was the fact that I fell into I guess a mild despair when I got paid and realized that it was the smallest check I ever received; I started to get really concerned about how I could ever manage to get myself out of debt, pay for my bills, and even consider a possible health care plan. Then what pushed me to the edge was my horrific experience when I finally went to see a doctor about what was going on to make me so sick. Even though I know it was a professional environment, I still couldn't help but feel violated in the worst way possible. I'm not crying now but I was crying so much on Saturday. It really was hell. The hardest part was that although I knew God was with me giving me comfort I still couldn't shake the trauma. I couldn't shake the pain, psychological and emotional.

I know I haven't been as close to the Lord as I should be or need to be. I have to get back on track with that. I miss Him.

I hate when I'm at a loss for words. Usually writing is something that comes pretty easily to me. Not right now I guess.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Silver lining

I know God puts us through the ringers for a reason, but He never said we had to do it alone which is why I'm so so so incredibly grateful for my amazing friends, most especially my girls. You ladies have been a source of encouragement, guidance, support, and joy to me. No matter how much the troubles of this world can get me down, all I have to do is call or text you and there you are. I couldn't be more thankful for God blessing me with your friendship, loyalty, and care. I wish my vocabulary was more diverse so I could fully describe the amazing attributes you ladies have that always minister to me in so many ways, but unfortunately I didn't major in English and my memory of Mr. Z's readarounds has kinda faded out a little bit. ;)

As I think about the fires that happen in California yearly it makes me think about why God allows such devastation to occur so frequently, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I guess the tree-huggers out there could say, "Those trees are innocent!" or whatever but I honestly don't believe that plants or vegetation of any kind have souls so there isn't guilt when a tree is cut down or anything like that. In my opinion, all of creation is under the will of the Lord. He gives and takes away life as He sees fit. Some might say it's not fair but who are we to judge God? Who are we to say, "I know what's best and what's fair"? The more I seek the Lord on these things the more I find that I really don't know diddlysquat.

Everything that's happened in my life, good and bad, hard and easy, has been for a reason. That ultimate reason is to bring me closer to my God, physically and spiritually. For the first time in my adult life I felt inner turmoil commence inside of my body. Literally, I felt like half of my body had inexplicable peace while the other was up in a tizzy fighting and complaining like the children of Israel did wandering in the wilderness. I think a lot of us don't really know what it's like to experience spiritual warfare firsthand. Let me tell you it was not pleasant. And it's still a struggle at times.

I can't blame God for my faults or for the fact that I still may have battles going on inside my heart and body. We as Christians can get so caught up in everything else around us, jobs, kids, friends, hobbies, and ministry work even that we forget that there's a constant battle going on for our souls at this very moment. There's a reason why God never sleeps (not that He needs it, to be sure).

I guess what I'm trying to get at here, even though I think I might have run on a bit of a tangent is that even though there may be a huge dark cloud forming around us we who have that eternal assurance can be confident that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28). I can take joy that even though there may still be a dark cloud over my head that my silver lining is this: Jesus Christ, the King of kings and Lord of lords, loves me; totally and completely loves me. He never ceases to make intercession for me even on days where I hardly ever give Him a second thought. By the sinews in His wrists, as the weight of His body was straining every muscle and ligament, as each of His organs began to fail, He took my grief, my pain, my heartache and all the horrible things I've ever thought of, wished upon, and ultimately done in my life on Himself. And He did it with love.

And I complain about how unfair life can be. I have NOTHING to complain about. Forgive my foolishness, Lord. I trade in a silly and tarnished silver lining for everlasting joy and grace.

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Colossians 3:1

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I need a good, long, hard cry.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

No Strings Attached

Haha, oh my dumb N*SYNC they'll always haunt me.

I will say that since Friday I'm feeling more like myself again. There are moments where I feel a wave of nauseous anxiety hit me, but things have gotten much easier to handle. My only problem left is now I feel guilty in some way for possibly causing someone to be hurt. From having so many people advise me in what I should have said or done, it's really funny to me because in the end the only guidance I really need is the Lord's. Then again, He definitely has used plenty of people to minister to me in ways of which I'm really grateful for.

The important outcome of this whole situation was that I needed to get some things off my chest that have been really torturing me subconsciously for several months and I needed some clear answers. Both of those have been accomplished, though it was no easy task and it definitely came with a painful price.

I hate confrontation. I hate going into a situation that I know is going to be painful, but unfortunately this needed to happen, otherwise I might never have gotten my appetite back or been able to keep food down without feeling entirely sick. It's funny, though, I kinda said that my spiritual warfare was now over. I not entirely sure of that. I know Satan has many tricks up his sleeve and that my battle won't be over until the day I step into eternity. But, I honestly believe that a big part of this internal battle of mine has definitely been conquered, and not by any act of my own strength but all because of God's grace to get me through it.

So, for now, the hump of this leg's been traversed and I'm glad to have gotten over it. But I definitely got some battle wounds to go along with it. Life's definitely not without it's hard parts. I know the Lord has something better planned for me in His timing and by His standards. I just have to be patient and not let the worries or the sorrows of the past get me down. I have to live my life with no strings of sin attached, not because I'm a great person but because Jesus Christ atoned them for me at the cross.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Great sacrifice...

I think I'm in pre-mourning.

My body is still not dealing with this warfare very well. For the last 2 days I've had nothing but extreme nausea inflict my whole body. It's not illness, of that I'm absolutely sure.

It's my heart breaking, fearing that I'm gonna lose someone I really care about. Sometimes my heart's pounding so fast and so strong that it might just jump out of my chest.

God, I hate this, but I guess I have to go through this for a reason, whatever it may be.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to stand this physical trial, but I guess I'll have to wait til next Friday to see what's gonna happen next.

Lord, help me endure this. Give me the strength I'm gonna desperately need.