Tuesday, October 27, 2009


My hands are tired today. It's a good thing for my work but in the long run I have to start taking precautions with my health and strength if I want to keep this going for many more years. This includes me getting some sort of healthcare plan going. I'm not sure where or who I should go to but after my last experience with Kaiser I'm not too stoked about being covered by them again. Don't get me wrong with being forever fearful of going to the doctors, but only by the grace of God and the prayers and support of family and friends am I emotionally stable with what I went through at the doctor's office. I've never been too trusting with doctors since my Mom's passing. I find it amusing that for the most part doctors prescribe medicine to cover up the symptoms instead of finding out proper treatments to solve the problem. There are very intelligent and caring doctors out there, but there's also a bunch that probably should have chosen another profession.

I wish I had something truly insightful and deep to say. I think I had something a moment ago but I didn't write it down fast enough and now it's gone. Sometimes makes me wonder about the great Christian writers of old, theologians and worship artists and what they didn't actually get a chance to write down. There are some things I feel that God wants for us and us alone to understand. What's the point of intimacy if you're going to share it all? It's true that the truths that God shares with us are meant to be shared and can apply to anyone in whatever situation they're going through. But I think that there are some things that God wants us to keep to ourselves, some things that He just wanted to share with us on a personal level. It's like how a couple can have great times hanging out with others, but there are certain moments that only they can share.

I dunno...I know I still have a lot to learn about the Lord and what He wants to do in my life. My story's not over yet.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

So much to tell and so little enthusiasm.

I've been pushed to the brink of clear desperation in the past few weeks. First it was the debilitating and mysterious pain that took me out of work for pretty much a week. Then it was the fact that I fell into I guess a mild despair when I got paid and realized that it was the smallest check I ever received; I started to get really concerned about how I could ever manage to get myself out of debt, pay for my bills, and even consider a possible health care plan. Then what pushed me to the edge was my horrific experience when I finally went to see a doctor about what was going on to make me so sick. Even though I know it was a professional environment, I still couldn't help but feel violated in the worst way possible. I'm not crying now but I was crying so much on Saturday. It really was hell. The hardest part was that although I knew God was with me giving me comfort I still couldn't shake the trauma. I couldn't shake the pain, psychological and emotional.

I know I haven't been as close to the Lord as I should be or need to be. I have to get back on track with that. I miss Him.

I hate when I'm at a loss for words. Usually writing is something that comes pretty easily to me. Not right now I guess.