Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Father to Daughter

Daddy, I need You.

I hate to see my friends, my family, people who I love dearly in pain. I feel so helpless to them at times. I wish I could take their burdens. I wish I could take their pain, their confusion, their hurt. I'd rather be the one suffering. I can't stand to see it. I just wish I could do more.

Sometimes I feel so unworthy to be loved by these beautiful people that You put into my life. Who am I? I battle within myself each day. My flesh, my thorn in my side. It tears me apart little by little and slowly. It barely heals before the wound is torn open again. Some days I feel like the Spirit has triumphed over my flesh and I feel victorious...until I think something cruel or say something harsh about someone I don't even know. Curse this flesh that I crawl in, this shell of mine that longs for the treacheries of this world.

I long to be with You, Daddy. I feel so inadequate.

Father, I don't want to let my heart go too far away. Don't let me become a stumbling block, a false prophetess who only desires to cause destruction.

I want to be beautiful, Daddy. I want to be all that You've dreamed I would be.

You see me as Your precious Daughter. I've been adopted by Your Love. May that Love never fade from my heart. Renew my spirit.

You're not only my Father, but You're my King, my Savior, my First Love. Hallelujah, blessed be my Redeemer Who reigns forever.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


I don't understand how people can think that the God of the Old Testament is different from the God of the New Testament. I read a chapter in 2 Chronicles last night and it was surprisingly comforting, despite the fact that a chapter before talked about how the king of Judah, Asa, had rejected the counsel of the Lord over the counsel of men and so was afflicted with a disease in his feet that later caused his death. The king after him, Jehoshaphat, learned from the previous king's mistake and followed after the Lord, "and walked in the former ways of his father David" so he was blessed in his reign. How many times have we done that, or namely have I done that? How many times have I sought after the counsel of men rather than coming to the Father first? It's ironic because we can get so many different opinions about how to act, where to go, what we should be doing with our lives, but in the end, will we be standing in front of those people giving an account to them of what we did with our lives?

It's funny, my purity ring says "Pray Hard" on it, and I know I haven't been doing that lately. I'll say little prayers here and there for myself and for friends/family, but I honestly have not taken a considerable amount of time to just talk to my God and to hear Him speak to me. I know some people are in a somewhat spiritual "lull" as it may be, but I have a feeling that world events in the near future might shake us up quite a bit.

Lord, I want to grow in You, but that means some sort of change is necessary, and change is usually painful. Reading the testimonies of the martyrs of the past makes me wonder if I were put in their situation if I would have as much courage and strength in my faith to willingly ask for the flames to engulf me as John Hooper did in 1555. They had to ignite the fire around him three times before the flames got big enough to actually surround his entire body. After the first two fires his lower body was melting away as his upper body remained unscathed. As the third and final fire rose up around him, he began to pray out loud, "Jesus, have mercy on me," over and over again until his tongue and mouth became blackened from the smoke and his lips swelled up. He wanted nothing more than to finally be with his Savior, and he took years of physical, emotional, and spiritual persecution for his faith until that final day when he went to be with the Lord.

And it makes me think, "Wow, Lord, I am so unworthy to even be called a Christian. My conviction was no where near in comparison to that poor soul." I'm not saying I'm condemning myself, but conviction does so come from the Holy Spirit. He chastens those He loves and I know that He loves me enough to give me the harsh truth about myself and to push me in the right direction.

I know God has a distinct plan for each and everyone of us and He has set certain people and certain situations in our paths to help us grow, but also to test us. Testing isn't a bad thing as long as you're prepared for it and I know a big test is coming (at least for me, anyway) so I gotta study up and be prepared. Pray for me if and when you think of it. I need the Lord to guide me and I need to be steadfast in following Him alone.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Verbum caro factum est

The sound of the human voice captivates me so much. I just absolutely and emphatically love listening to chorals, anything done a cappella. I wish so much so many times that I could understand the languages that the Gregorian chants are sung in and so many of the ancient hymns sung in the massive cathedrals. It really touches a deep part of my heart that just longs to hear the praises of the Lord. Although I could fall asleep to what most people would call unintelligible hardcore chaos, I still adore purely vocal pieces.

I was never a great singer, although I did do some singing back in elementary school mainly in theater productions back at Calvary Chapel Anaheim. I've always wanted my voice to be better, stronger, and more like the beautiful arrangements I heard on classical radio stations as professional choirs sang angelic hymns. I really did want to pursue singing in a choir as a kid, but it never panned out and I eventually was brought into more physical activities. Don't get me wrong, I will never forget nor take for granted the amazing people and the skills I learned in both martial arts and swimming, but singing is something that you can practice for your whole life and do anytime, anywhere.

At this rate, unless I had a voice box replacement, I'll never have the voice of absolute angels, but it's my voice, one that God purposefully gave me. Sometimes when I'm in the midst of absolute worship I can't even recognize it. It somehow gets more powerful in a way, but then again I could just be hearing it differently.

Ah well, God doesn't care if I hit all the right notes or if I forget the words. The song of my heart is far more beautiful to Him than anything that could ever come from my mouth. I just hope that I don't lose that intention of praise and just mindlessly sing a song about my risen Savior. Lord, convict my heart to never lose sight of Whom I give my praise to.