Silver lining

I know God puts us through the ringers for a reason, but He never said we had to do it alone which is why I'm so so so incredibly grateful for my amazing friends, most especially my girls. You ladies have been a source of encouragement, guidance, support, and joy to me. No matter how much the troubles of this world can get me down, all I have to do is call or text you and there you are. I couldn't be more thankful for God blessing me with your friendship, loyalty, and care. I wish my vocabulary was more diverse so I could fully describe the amazing attributes you ladies have that always minister to me in so many ways, but unfortunately I didn't major in English and my memory of Mr. Z's readarounds has kinda faded out a little bit. ;)

As I think about the fires that happen in California yearly it makes me think about why God allows such devastation to occur so frequently, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I guess the tree-huggers out there could say, "Those trees are innocent!" or whatever but I honestly don't believe that plants or vegetation of any kind have souls so there isn't guilt when a tree is cut down or anything like that. In my opinion, all of creation is under the will of the Lord. He gives and takes away life as He sees fit. Some might say it's not fair but who are we to judge God? Who are we to say, "I know what's best and what's fair"? The more I seek the Lord on these things the more I find that I really don't know diddlysquat.

Everything that's happened in my life, good and bad, hard and easy, has been for a reason. That ultimate reason is to bring me closer to my God, physically and spiritually. For the first time in my adult life I felt inner turmoil commence inside of my body. Literally, I felt like half of my body had inexplicable peace while the other was up in a tizzy fighting and complaining like the children of Israel did wandering in the wilderness. I think a lot of us don't really know what it's like to experience spiritual warfare firsthand. Let me tell you it was not pleasant. And it's still a struggle at times.

I can't blame God for my faults or for the fact that I still may have battles going on inside my heart and body. We as Christians can get so caught up in everything else around us, jobs, kids, friends, hobbies, and ministry work even that we forget that there's a constant battle going on for our souls at this very moment. There's a reason why God never sleeps (not that He needs it, to be sure).

I guess what I'm trying to get at here, even though I think I might have run on a bit of a tangent is that even though there may be a huge dark cloud forming around us we who have that eternal assurance can be confident that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28). I can take joy that even though there may still be a dark cloud over my head that my silver lining is this: Jesus Christ, the King of kings and Lord of lords, loves me; totally and completely loves me. He never ceases to make intercession for me even on days where I hardly ever give Him a second thought. By the sinews in His wrists, as the weight of His body was straining every muscle and ligament, as each of His organs began to fail, He took my grief, my pain, my heartache and all the horrible things I've ever thought of, wished upon, and ultimately done in my life on Himself. And He did it with love.

And I complain about how unfair life can be. I have NOTHING to complain about. Forgive my foolishness, Lord. I trade in a silly and tarnished silver lining for everlasting joy and grace.

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Colossians 3:1

I need a good, long, hard cry.

No Strings Attached

Haha, oh my dumb N*SYNC days...how they'll always haunt me.

I will say that since Friday I'm feeling more like myself again. There are moments where I feel a wave of nauseous anxiety hit me, but things have gotten much easier to handle. My only problem left is now I feel guilty in some way for possibly causing someone to be hurt. From having so many people advise me in what I should have said or done, it's really funny to me because in the end the only guidance I really need is the Lord's. Then again, He definitely has used plenty of people to minister to me in ways of which I'm really grateful for.

The important outcome of this whole situation was that I needed to get some things off my chest that have been really torturing me subconsciously for several months and I needed some clear answers. Both of those have been accomplished, though it was no easy task and it definitely came with a painful price.

I hate confrontation. I hate going into a situation that I know is going to be painful, but unfortunately this needed to happen, otherwise I might never have gotten my appetite back or been able to keep food down without feeling entirely sick. It's funny, though, I kinda said that my spiritual warfare was now over. I not entirely sure of that. I know Satan has many tricks up his sleeve and that my battle won't be over until the day I step into eternity. But, I honestly believe that a big part of this internal battle of mine has definitely been conquered, and not by any act of my own strength but all because of God's grace to get me through it.

So, for now, the hump of this leg's been traversed and I'm glad to have gotten over it. But I definitely got some battle wounds to go along with it. Life's definitely not without it's hard parts. I know the Lord has something better planned for me in His timing and by His standards. I just have to be patient and not let the worries or the sorrows of the past get me down. I have to live my life with no strings of sin attached, not because I'm a great person but because Jesus Christ atoned them for me at the cross.

Great sacrifice...

I think I'm in pre-mourning.

My body is still not dealing with this warfare very well. For the last 2 days I've had nothing but extreme nausea inflict my whole body. It's not illness, of that I'm absolutely sure.

It's my heart breaking, fearing that I'm gonna lose someone I really care about. Sometimes my heart's pounding so fast and so strong that it might just jump out of my chest.

God, I hate this, but I guess I have to go through this for a reason, whatever it may be.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to stand this physical trial, but I guess I'll have to wait til next Friday to see what's gonna happen next.

Lord, help me endure this. Give me the strength I'm gonna desperately need.

If my life is but a shadow, why waste it in the dark?

It's really hard for me to give up what I think is right or edifying when in God's eyes it may be the absolute wrong thing for me.

For several years of my life, I proclaimed I was a Christian even though my actions behind closed doors said otherwise. I hate that I wasted so many precious young years on things that only leeched my joy and my contentment.

But last night the Lord revealed to me an age-old truth: my sins, past, present, and future, are obliterated, taken by Jesus to give me the chance of eternal life. Why wallow in darkness of pity and sorrow when I should be rejoicing in the Light of my King?

Yes, there are times to be sad, and yes, God allows us to remember our sins so that we remember how to not be and how unsatisfied we were before He came into our hearts. Sometimes I wish that God could just erase my memory of the horrible moments of the past, but then why would I long for heaven and eternity with my Savior so much more?

I will not waste my shadow of a life in the dark. I may have been born into sin as we all were, but I will live in the Light of the Lord, from now until my last breath on this earth.

It's funny how whenever I have these moments of victory that Satan will always come in and try to shatter my triumph in Christ. Everyday is a battle that we must be prepared to fight, but the fighting is so much easier when we know that we have the King of kings on our side and He is mighty to save. The glory in battle is ours, not because we fought it, but because Jesus already won it and He's sharing His victory with us.

האלוהים שלנו איתנו. הרחמים שלו יסבלו לדורות.
Our God is with us. His mercy shall endure forever.
Selah.