It's really hard for me to differentiate when God's speaking to me and when it's my flesh talking. Last night I was having a conversation with the Lord and I asked if He was the one who was speaking to my heart and I heard, or at least thought I heard, a "No." Ugh.
Lately I've really been trying to spend more and more time digging into the Word. Each time God has totally blessed and encouraged me in the ways that I've needed to be, but I still don't know exactly what the future has in store in my life. I'm in the career field that I've wanted to be in since high school. I've gotten a degree, not the most prestigious degree, but I can say I have my diploma. I have an amazing family, great friends, a wonderful work place, a roof over my head, and yet I still complain. I really have nothing to complain about. Although I've had some devastating lows in my life, it's still far easier than some other people.
One of my last clients yesterday was this sweet girl named Carol. She's a few months younger than I am and is probably the nicest girl you could ever meet. Before I started working on her my boss told me that she had had a lot of medical issues. I kinda brushed it aside until he said that she was a Leukemia survivor. At 21, this girl has already been through cancer. As I was working on her I noticed that her left hand was slightly deformed and she might have had some burn scars on her underarm. She was so incredible meek and sweet and yet she's been through these tremendously hard situations. I think she's a Christian, but I'm not positive because I didn't get to talk to her too much.
Last night the Lord showed me a passage in Job. Ha, Job, the ultimate book of humbling. Before I got into it I kept asking God why He's allowing several things to come to pass. The chapter I read was all about God's sovereign power and authority. I pretty much got the message. Ok, God, You're in control. Who am I to question Your decisions? I have no standing whatsoever.
Even still, I can't deny my feelings. God has emotions and He knows my deeper feelings.
With all this my heart still feels like it's weighing me down. Sometimes I wish I could just tear it out, put it on a platter for a while, then when the time's right put it back in. Wouldn't that be nice?