Tough

I've always had this tough exterior. It comes from being raised in martial arts and wrestling around with my dad. It also comes from a source of low self esteem. I don't think highly of myself ever. There are precious few moments I've had where I actually feel good about myself, my appearance, what I'm doing with my life, and my walk with the Lord.

Watching the show Intervention tends to catch my drift as I click through the channels. We're all addicted to something. I used to be addicted to pornography back in jr. high. My release from those bonds are solely due to God's grace and compassion to save me from my sin.

I'm an ex-addict to sin. I try my hardest daily to not fall or stumble into things that will eventually lead me down a path I wasn't supposed to wander, but I'm in no way, shape, or form faultless. I have made mistakes for a reason in order to learn and grow from them for the better. Those mistakes from my past have cost me much, but the cost of salvation was far more than I could ever afford. Praise the Lord that Jesus Christ gave me the gift and hope of salvation for my wretched self for free. There's no work that could be done on earth that could balance out the wrongs I have done. No, I've never killed anyone and I never abused drugs or alcohol and I never gave my body up to sex, but I have killed persons in my heart, I've longed for the psychological escape that drugs and alcohol provide, and I have lusted after men. I'm guilty.

Satan loves to remind me of my failures, and my flesh loves to indulge those painful memories. Every part of this temporary vessel of mine wants me to dwell on the hurt, the pain, and the guilt my life has collected these past 22 years. As ugly of a person I once was, I'm not that anymore.

I'm beautiful because Christ in me is beautiful. He made the wretched, deformed, perverse heart of mine into one that's completely different and opposite of those adjectives. It's only by Him that I am worthy.

My heart longs to be loved as much as I love. No one can ever take the place of Jesus Christ in my life, but I long to be with the one whom God has set aside for me. I'm tired of the riff raff, tired of feeling so insignificant, tired of comparing myself to every girl I see.

My life is not my own. It belongs to the Lord. Give me Your eyes so that I can see past the outer shell. Give me Your heart, O Lord, so that I can love with Your infinite love. I know I'm limited by this temporary form I'm in, but use me as You see fit.

I'm tired of being "tough." I just want to be me, the "me" You meant me to be.

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."
Romans 8:15